Every other Friday, our 9 year is suppose to visit her father. Since November when he slapped her in the face, she has refused to get out of the car. She always had difficulty visiting him and did want to go, but she was told if she didn't I would be put in jail. She only went for fear of me going to jail. She would sneak and call me from his mothers home until midnight and 1 in the morning to hear my voice. She has been diagnosed with separation anxiety. We meet at the police department and when she see his car she gets hysterical and refuses to get out. He never once has come over to talk with her or console or and ask her what is wrong. He waits in his car for five minutes and if she doesn't get out he makes a police report. I can't push her out of the car, what can I do?
Telling your daughter that Dad is going to send you to jail will not likely help you either when this is complained of to the court. What you can do is actively encourage her to see her father, tell her Dad loves her too, and make it fun for her to go. Unfortunately, short of that and you may lose some custody, because you are going to be expected to help her get over it.
Robin Jean GrayFamily Law AttorneyReading, PANJ licensed ·
You need to work with your daughter so she will go visit her Father. You need to encourage her to go. You may also want to think about having your daughter see a counselor about her separation anxiety. The counselor could then also speak with you and her Father to help her feel more comfortable seeing her Father. You also need to convey these problems to the Father, even if he may not listen, so at least he knows what is going on.
I would want to know why he slapped her. That does not indicate controlled patient parenting abilities on father's part and may contribute to or be consistent with reasons the child does not want to go. Confer with the child's therapist as to recommended ways to handle the exchanges. If you have not already done so, you could file a motion with the Court to compel father to participate in the counselling if the therapist supports that approach. I had a case once of parental alienation where the father had to physically remove the child from the backseat of mother's car for each visit and he did gently but forcibly. The child screamed and carried on and once away from the mom, the child's behavior changed remarkably to normal behavior. This went on for some period of time. Had it not been recorded it would have been hard to believe the transition once out of mom's view and hearing. Children take their cues from parents. You may be issuing cues your child is picking up on without knowing it. Or the child may have her own basis for her feelings independently. If she is able to leave you during the day for school she should be able to adjust to leaving you to go to father's unless there are other factors at work.
I agree with the other attorneys, this is the kind of mess that happens far too often. But you can not tell her that she has to go or Daddy will put Mommy in jail. That will just hurt her more.
She needs counselling. She is terrified.
You need to know more about why a father would slap a nine year old in the face. that is bad.
Is his living place a good safe comfortable place for her to be?
There is a lot involved here. You have to act carefully, to help your daughter.
And she deserves care and love from both her mother and her father.
Last point: a smart family law attorney can help a lot. It will be worth the money to get this back on track.
I agree with the other answers, especially Catherine's. Be pro-active. File a motion to get a therapist involved. Explain that you're doing all that you can, but the child won't go. And, be prepared that, absent a therapist sounding in, a judge very well may not accept that "she won't go." She's 9. You are her parent. What if she wouldn't brush her teeth or go to bed or go to school? What if she insisted on trying to juggle knives or wanted to run out into traffic for fun? You are a parent and are expected as such to be able to persuade her to do what's best for her, including (especially) having a good relationship with the other parent. If you can't do so, as others said, dad will have a chance to say that he should be the primary residential parent. Be pro-active on this by applying to the court to get a therapist involved ASAP.
I would not push her out of the car. You should make an application to the court to temporarily suspend the visits pending a psychological evaluation of the father and your daughter. You need to get more informaion. His filing of police reports may be for the purpose of building a record against you. Your daughter is clearly in great distress and she needs to feel safe. The only way to do this is to ask for the court's assistance via a psychological evaluation to assess the father's anger management, coping skills, parenting skills and risk assessment for future parenting time. If found to be necessary, your daughter and her father may need therapeutic visitations in a therapist's office for a while.
