My former spouse is causing a lot of emotional damage and undermining the relationship I have with our children. It's been increasingly painful and I am starting to feel hopeless. My ex is really vicious and relentless, it seems impossible to get this turned around. The kids have been told I have diseases, mental illnesses, criminal history...you name it. It is awful!
We do have a "derogatory remarks" clause in the Parenting Plan but I've been told many times that the family courts don't pay much attention to that.
Courts do take it seriously if a parent interferes in the relationship between the child and their other parent. The trouble, as I think you perceive, is how to enforce the rules or judgment terms prohibiting that. There are a number of serious obstacles to enforcement.
Proving what happened is the first problem. If a parent interferes with a co-parent's relationship with their child by forcibly removing the child from the state, for instance, courts take that very seriously. That's easy to prove. But it can be very difficult to prove what people say to children in the privacy of their own homes. You can't testify about what your children told you their other parent said - that's legally considered hearsay, and is not admissible evidence. You can't give testimony about events you only know about from hearing about them from others. Nor are you likely to want to have your children testify. Judges are extremely reluctant to allow parents to call children to testify against each other. Some experts consider it to be child abuse to even bring a child to court. I wouldn't go that far myself (the legal definition of child abuse is quite clear, and does not include that), but I think that such a move would make you lose any sympathy a judge might give you otherwise.
The other problem is how to enforce the provision even if it is proved. Oregon courts will not totally prohibit all contact between a parent and child even in cases of fairly severe abuse. So it's likely that your co-parent will continue to have contact with the children you share, regardless of who has legal custody; and that means that she will have the opportunity to say these things. The court can reduce her custody or parenting time rights, but likely will not totally eliminate them for this.
Put at its bluntest, the courts and the law are just not capable of stopping people from saying mean things. This is a problem that has to be dealt with at a personal level. If it is causing you substantial distress, then counseling may indeed be useful, for yourself as well as possibly for your children. The best hope I can offer is that people who speak ill of others all the time rarely end up looking well themselves. Your children will likely realize, sooner or later, what is motivating these accounts, and will make their own judgments based on how you treat them and others.
Parental Alienation IS taken seriously by the court. Your first step is taking your judgment to a custody attorney along with any proof you have regarding what he/she is doing to the kids. Good luck.
The courts do not take kindly to one parent alienating another parent. I recommend consulting with an attorney and providing more information as to what is occurring so they can advise you as to next steps, and possibly assist or represent you in a contempt action against your ex for violating the current court order.
There are a variety of options but how, when and what to pursue depend on a variety of factors including how this is actually impacting the children, whether you are being denied parenting time, when was the last time you were in court, what kind of evidence do you have of these allegations, how old are the kids, how are they overall, what kind of parenting time do you get....You should not post all of that online, but my point is that you need to sit down with someone where you can actually have a discussion. The problem that most of these cases face is that there is often no proof of the defamatory statements unless the children testify, which is highly discouraged generally speaking. I would talk to you about what is actually happening between you and the kids, not what is going on at the other house. Are visits being withheld? Are the children acting differently with you? Treating you differently? You have lots of options, as I said, but you will have to sit down with an attorney (or at least consult with one by telephone) to figure out what those options are and how to pursue them.
