I am not married, but would like to separate from the father of my children. Is there a template of questions I can think through, how will holidays be handled, who will claim the children on taxes, etc?
There is no set questions and depending on what you (and the otherside) are trying to accomplish will determine exactly what needs to be asked and/or put into an agreement.
When making parenting arrangements, there are three main types of decisions that you’ll
need to make:
1. How will you decide on things like your children’s education, health and religion?
2. Where will the children live and how much time will they spend with each of you?
3. How will you settle any parenting issues that come up in the future?
When you and the other parent were a couple, your interactions as a couple and as
parents were bound together. After separation and divorce, you move away from the
couple relationship, and you need to work at forming a new relationship as co-parents.
The key feature of co-parenting relationships is that they focus on what’s best for the
children.
Some important elements of a co-parenting relationship are
■■ You and the other parent can only expect each other to do what is agreed to verbally or in
writing.
■■ Meetings between you and the other parent are relatively formal—they take place in a
neutral location (for example, a coffee shop) at specific times, and you usually have a list of
issues to discuss.
■■ You and the other parent are not personally or emotional involved with one another.
■■ You and the other parent share little personal information with each other, unless it is
related to parenting.
The change from a couple to a co-parenting relationship won’t happen right away. You
will need to work hard at it. It may take a while before you and the other parent learn to
communicate only as co-parents.
Sometimes when separated parents argue about their children it’s really not about the
children at all. Their arguments may really be about things that happened when they were a
couple. They may just be trying to control each other through their children. You will need to
work to separate your feelings about the other parent from your feelings about your children.
Focus on your child
Once everyone has been heard and you’ve identified the problem, it’s important for both of
you to work together to find a solution.
The focus of the discussions should be on what your children need and what’s best for your
children. How can you meet your children’s needs? You also need to be practical and realistic.
For example, when discussing the parenting schedule, you need to consider issues such as
each parent’s work schedule as well as transportation options.
If you focus on your children’s needs, it can help to shift attention away from what each
parent “wants” or is “giving up.” While it may mean that you end up with an arrangement
that is less convenient for you, it’s important to do what’s best for your children.
This is what focusing on your children sounds like
I know that Sarah misses you. Let’s look at the schedule for Sarah’s activities to see if
there is a way for her to see you more often.
It’s helpful if you and the other parent encourage each other to offer solutions. It will be easier
for both of you to agree to a decision that you’ve both been actively involved in making.
This is what encouraging more than one solution sounds like
How do you think that we can arrange things so that Sarah sees more of you?
or
What do you think are some options for me to spend more time with Sarah?
When you’re not able to communicate in person
If there’s still a lot of conflict between you and the other parent, you may not be able to
discuss issues in person. Instead, you might want to communicate
by e-mail. This allows you to think about your response before you send it. If you’re
discussing an issue that could cause an argument, it may be helpful to draft your e-mail
and then leave it for a while before sending it. E-mail can also provide a record of your
agreements that you can refer back to as necessary.
with the help of a professional, like a mediator or counsellor.
This isn't the best forum to provide this type of advice, so you should consult with a local attorney. Many offer free consults. In general, you need to think about all aspects of sharing a child. You'll need a regular custody and visitation schedule, plus alterations for holidays and vacations. You need to decided about legal custody, meaning who gets to make the big decisions regarding healthcare, religion and education. Child support will need to be detemined. As well as who provides medical insurance and pays for day care, if any.
David R HartwigFamily Law AttorneySalt Lake City, UT ·
There are many questions and issues to contemplate; you can do a lot of research on line to obtain pages and pages of advice. Plus, how holidays, the children, taxes, and the like, are all issues that can vary if you and he reach agreements -- your are not stuck with just one solution. The best thing to do is get with an experienced family law attorney to review all of your facts and papers.
You are already thinking correctly in how to best share the child and how the child will have both parents involvement in their lives. In my state the parenting schedule is written into a plan that is used if the parents do not agree otherwise. Things will always come up, so you can't schedule in advance for all situations, so stay flexible and work on how we are going to resolve conflict when it does come up. Seek the advice of a family lawyer in your area for advice specific to your child.
